its been a long time since i last typed an entry...*sigh*...tonight..i shant be calling upon my other half..for starting tonight..i face my trials alone..

im to dependent on others..this i have realized during the days i have not placed an entry..i need to learn to depend on myself..

i shall not deny the fact that im not over him..and i dont think i will be..well..maybe i will after a long period of time..perhaps..it's because the damage was more than i thought..well..there's no use crying over it now..its spilled milk..i have to learn to move on..its hard..but i have no choice..i cant cry forever..nor can i wait for a miracle to happen..

I realized that one of the effects of what he did to me was..i had become somehow, numb from love..no matter what i do..i just cant seem to fall inlove..as in..sparks dont fly anymore..yeah..i do have crushes..but aside from that..nothing..nadda..zilch..no sparks..not music..it feels as though my heart is dead..

but..its not that bad...

i can use it to my advantage...

by not being able to fall inlove..i wont fall inlove..and by doing so..i wont get hurt again..

yeah..i know..its stupid..just like running away..but hey..so much i need to say..been crying since the day he left me..and i wont stand for it any more..

i wont cry...

i wont depend on others to make me feel better and forget about him..

i'll do it on my own..

time can heal all wounds..and time will heal this one..

lolz..i reread everything that i typed just now...wow..id never thought those words could come of my fingertips...

ok..lets write something a little bit normal here..for a change..

a while ago..i went to a night market intending to buy a skirt to match the silver sandals i bought yesterday..i spent 2 hours roaming around..but in the end..i went home with nothing..talk about a waste of time..

but i really dont see the point in buying a 450php skirt..if the skirt was cheaper..yeah id buy it..but..450php?..no thanks..hahaha..im so frugal..i never thought that being frugal was so much fun...

oh yeah..i forgot to put in that..im already wearing glasses again..it seems as though the rate of my astigmatism sky rocketed this year..and so..back to the glasses..but i got new ones though...alot cooler than the previous ones..this one is black framed..its kinda punkish...so its kinda cool..but it makes me look like a teacher/nerd/punker..

weird huh?...

yeah..i know im weird..hahaha..anyweiz..

this weeek is gonna be busy..intrams.concert..field demo..woah! talk abotu alot of events!..*sigh*..where the hel am i gonna get the energy for the days ahead of me?...

@_@

last night i sat on top of our roof gazing at the lovely clear blue sky.

i sighed. everything i do..it reminds me of him..but still..i stayed there..not because i was reminiscing my past memories..but because it was hot inside our house..and the clear blue sky was so inviting..

as memories of him start to fill me head..i heard a voice coming from behind me..

''dont you ever stop thingking about him?'' ..

i turned my head and saw keith wearing his dark green sweater. He smiled and sat down beside me and looked at the night sky...

''i dont blame you though..'' he said. '' this night sky is so beautiful..it makes you want to think about happy memories..''

i turned to him and saw him gazing at the stars. I smiled and said..

''yeah..it does''

He turned to me and looked into my eyes. His expression changing from calm to serious

''but im puzzled..'' he said

i asked him why..

''because..the memories your reminizing happy at all..''

i frowned and said '' just because i recall memories of ex doesnt mean they arent happy memories..''

he gave me a mocking smile..a smile i hated so much..

''oh yeah? then why is it everytime you think of him, you either cry, get depressed, or get suicidal? tell me, are those the effects of happy memories? ''

I was shocked by what he said. what he said made me angry because it was insulting and mocking me. I was also angry because i know..he was right..

'' why do you hate him so much?!'' i asked at blood started to boil with anger.

''why do you love him so much?!'' he retorted.

i was about to say something when he cut me off..

''tell me rose, what has he given or done for you to love him so much that you'd throw your life away for him?! WHAT?! look at yourself for crying out loud!!! youve been an emotional wreck for almost one year! when will you pull yourself together and help yourself stand up?!''

he grabbed both my shoulders and pulled me close to his face, as though trying to snap me out of a trance. I pushed him away and frowned at him

''its not that easy yknow!!!'' i yelled

''your the only one making it hard for yourself!!!!'' he retorted

tears started to fall from my eyes. he's right. i am really the only one making i hard for myself..i looked down..trying hard to fight the tears from falling from my eyes.

''i know..i know im the only one making it hard for myself..i know..he's gone..and he's never coming back no matter how hard i pray and hope and wish..but still..there's still this tiny ray of hope inside my heart saying that nothing is impossible..that miracles happen..that this world is filled with endless possibilities and that maybe..just maybe..if i wait just long enough..if i just pray hard enough..then maybe..fate will bring us back together..''

i couldnt hold back the tears any longer..i covered my face with my hands and cried. Keith just sat there as i cried. Thought i couldnt see his face, i knew he was staring at me as i let my emotions out.

finally..after a while i started to calm down..i reached into my pocket to get my hankerchief when i noticed keith holding one out for me.

" im sorry i said all those things..'' he said

''its ok'' i said as i took the hankerchief from him and dried my eyes. " i know you meant well..''

we sat there in silence for a while..calming each others souls..finally..after what seemed to be an eternity..i heard him whisper something..i asked him what it was..

''blind hope..'' he said

huh?..blind hope?..

''i dont understand..what does that mean?..'' i asked. he turned to me and gazed gently at my eyes

''it means hoping for something to happen..even if you know there is absolutely no chance of that thing to ever happen..you just.hope''

i blinked..he was describing me..how i continue to hope..no matter how much the odds are againts me..i smiled and said

''are you shure you didnt make that up?''

he looked at me with a funny expression which made me giggle

''do i look like the type who makes things up?'' he said.

i laughed and answered back

''if i said yes would you kill me? ''

we continued to kid around until both of us got too tired. i laid my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes..kieth was right..i was hoping blindly..but still..sometimes you have no choice but to follow your heart..

excess: the reason i decided to add an OC here was because..i was getting bored talking to myself..at least with another character i can fully express my self..both sides of myself i mean..hahaha..i told you..i have multiple personality disorder..keith is my other personality... ^__^

i sat on that bench and looked at the horizon trying to find the answers to my questions..but sadly..i couldnt find any..

but still..i stayed..waiting for someone..who i kow could help me..

after a long while..i heard someone whisteling a familiar tune..it was him..

i turned by head and saw him walking towards me wearing black pants and a dark green sweater that brings out the beauty of his eyes..his black hair slightly covering his eyes..

i stiffled a giggle..he never ceases to be stylish..well, that's keith for you..

''why are you laughing?' he asked as he sat beside me on the bench.

''nothing..i just thought you looked nice..'' i replied

''hehe, i always do rose..you know that..heck, im even more goodlooking than you''. he joked

after a few teases and jokes..we both fell silent and gazed at the clear night sky for a long time. Sitting beside each other in silence...finally, he spoke up..

''youve been crying last night..havent you?''

i wasnt shocked with his question..he knows me too well..after all..he was a part of me..but i didnt answer his question..

''its about kitt again huh?'' he asked again..

i nodded.

''i thought you were over him?..so why cry last night?'' he said. I looked at his face. His expressive eyes were filled with concern..i smiled a painful smile..

''oh cmon keith..you know i never got over him..''

''but you havent cried for such a long time...who start now?..'' he asked again..

i just sat there and silence..his eyes examining my face..trying to read my emotions..

''is it because..you saw him again?''

I  slowly closed my eyes and sighed..when i opened my eyes. He was staring at me..waiting for my answer..

''you know me to well..'' i said, smiling at him with the same painful smle i always use..

he laughed and put his arm over my shoulder.

'' of course i do..im a part of you..so what's wrong? so what if you saw him again?'' he asked as his arm slowly pulled me closer to him. I  gently placed my head on his shoulder.

''it just..hurts so much..''

He sighed..

''rose, your a wonderful person. You shouldnt be crying over some guy who left you. it his loss ''

''but i love him..'' i started to say..but he cut me off..

''but he doesnt love you..not anymore rose. You know that. you hard what he said. ''

i frowned and pulled myself away from him. i know what he said thank you ever much!

''you dont have to tell me what i know and what i dont know.'' i said irritably.

he looked at me apologetically..

''im sorry..i didnt mean to hurt you'' he said.. ''but you have to understand..he's not gonna come back''

suddenly, a surge of anger flowed within me..i couldnt control myself anymore..i was breaking down..

'' i know ok?! i know he's not coming back!!! and i knwo i should move on but its hard!! its damn hard!!!!!!'' i yelled..

i lowered my head and covered my face with my hands and started to cry..

'' i know its hard..but you have to get through it..'' keith said kindly..

i looked up to him and saw his eyes already starting to be filled with tears..im confused..why was HE crying?..

''because..some people get hurt when they see you like this..dont blame yourself Rose. He just didnt see the good in you like other people do. All he ever saw was your shortcomings. Your immaturity and naiveness, he never saw how nice you are. how sweet you are. how kind you are. how thoughtful you are. How nice you make people feel when you do things for them and help them''

i was shocked to hear all those words coming from him..i just stared at him at he continued to say more..

''it's his loss rose. He'll never get to see your smiles..you laughes..hear your voice..he'll never get to experience the wonderfull times people around you have when they are with you..he's the looser..he's the idiot..because he already had you..and he let you go..''

i smiled..keith always has a way of making me feel better. he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in for a big hug.

''thanks for the moral boost keith..'' i said as i pressed my head on his chest, feeling his heart beating softly.

''it was nothing..just...dont cry anymore..you'll get uglier than you already are'' he said jokingly

I laughed. At that moment, i felt good about myself again..keith was right..i shouldnt be like this..gloomy and depressed..i might get ugly..hehe ^_^

note: you might be wondering who keith is..keith is a fictional character.. aka: like neobie gonzales' ''ebony ridde''. Keith is a personality of mine given life through my xanga diary..confusing?..i know..but what can i say?..

i told you..im insane.. ^^

tommorow..im gonna go back to tagaytay...

and..i dont want to..

ever since i saw him there..i cant stop thinking about him..and staying at that place makes me think about him even more..

i hate it..

why?..why did i have to see him?..i mean, sure.. ive been wanting to see him again..ever since we fell apart..

but id never thought seeing him again was this painfull..

alot of people have been telling me that..it was FATE that brought us together..that there might be some special reason that we saw each other again on that particular day..that maybe..we really are meant for each other..just like that movie..it was just serendipity.

but was much as my heart wants to believe..i cant..

ive already lost hope that he'd look past my shortcomings..i mean..he'd never see the good in me...all he ever saw was the negative side..

im just a memory to him..his past..he's moved on..i have no place in his life now..

it hurts..but i have to accept that..he'll never come back..

and the dream of being with him again..will just be a dream..

people who read this must think its very..corny..not to mention pathetic..but..this is how i feel..

he's just so different from all the guys i know..

its not his looks that i find attractive about him..its his heart..when im with him..i feel so happy..so clearminded..

i remember we had this conversation..he said this line..

kitt: im happy in my own little way..and your happy in your own little way..

i just said..yeah..sure..but what i really wanted to say was..

HAPPY?! YOU CALL JUMPING FROM ONE RELATIONSHIP TO ANOTHER TRYING TO FIND SOMETHING PARTICULARLY, YOU, HAPPY?! IVE NEVER BEEN THIS LOST, CONFUSED AND ALONE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!! AND YOU CALL THIS HAPPY?! HECK, IF ONLY I HAD THE COURAGE TO KILL MYSELF I WOULD HAVE DONE IT A LONG TIME AGO!!!!!!!!!

but of course...i didnt say that..i didnt have to courage to say that..heck, the whole time i was with him my knees were shaking..good thing it was too dark to be noticeable..

oh god..is it soo hard to ask for him back?..maybe i just dont deserve a guy like him..

after all..im not pretty..im stupid..im not good at anything..i have moodswings..im crazy...

is there really nothing more to me than these things?

people say nice things about me..but i guess what they say isnt true or whatever those nice things are..obviously, he cant see them...

why is his opinion so important to me anyway?..

maybe because he was the only one who took what you have to say seriously..

damn...im answering my own questions again..maybe i really do have a multiple personality disorder...

i should get my head checked again..

maybe i hit my head too hard yesterday when i borded that car..

or maybe im just plain insane..

damn..maybe im just bored..i have done much today..take care of my nephews..eat..sleep..internet..chat..listen to my eraserheads cd..

lately ive been addicted to local singers and bands..hehe..they are kinda cool..

i love kitchie nadal's song deliverance..and also, the song fire..its cool..as for eraserheads..the song magasin and pare ko rock!!!!!!

im planing to get a spongecola cd soon..

that reminds me..i got a new shirt yesterday..from artworks..it has the sign ANTISOCIAL..mwahahaha

damn...i love to hate...

told yah...im insane..

let me share something that happened to me a few days ago..

dec 25, 2004

i woke up hating everything about christmas..in fact, i didnt bother to greet my mom and sister a merry christmas...i simply hated it..

i went to mass with my family..i didnt have a choice..i just sat there and filled my head with thoughts of hate and spite..then i realized the celebration had already reached the part wherein the people pray for what i want..since i've already spent the entire time mocking the celebration, i decided to make fun of that part too (or rather pour all my hatred into it).. here is what i said...

'' God, i've grown so tired of believing in your miracles. Im done praying. Im done hoping. Coz i know you'll never grant my wish. My wish to see him and be with him again. You see God, if you haven't noticed yet, ive been going to that damn adoration chapel for 7 months now..and all that time ive been praying for one thing. Just one thing. And you never granted it. I hate your birthday God. Thanks for making me believe and hope in vain''

After the mass...i went to my brother's shop to help out.. while standing near the items and inviting customers to buy stuff..i suddenly got the urge to look behind me..and when i turned...

i saw someone...

him..

kitt...

my first reaction?...

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!..no..not now..not during christmas!!!!!!!

but there he was..in the flesh..i wanted to pinch myself..heck even kick myself to see if i was dreaming..nope..i was awake..he greeted me..and then walked passed me..

after that, i ran to my mother..

pathetic huh?...but yeah, that's what i do, when in doubt, fear, shock,..go to mama...

after that..i saw him a few more times..and ended up spending the afternoon with him..imagine! seeing your ex bf and spending the afteroon with him because he got stranded in tagaytay..how weird is that?!

but after a while..and good things have to end..he had to go home..and i had to go back to work..we parted ways..

that night..i prayed to God asking for his forgiveness..i ate every single word i said..and i am so sorry for saying such things..

-/-/-/-

after i said my prayer i couldnt sleep anymore..in fact, ive been having trouble sleeping for some time now..

why?..i only saw him for a short while and yet he has this great effect on me..its as if my life that ive been trying very hard to rebuild this past few months has been shattered again..7 months of trying to forget..7 months of healing..gone in a moment..

when i was with him..we had a conversation..i dont exactly remember how is started..but it goes like this..

kitt: you always take things so seriously

me: oh? i thought i was immature and never took anything seriously?

kitt: but taking this too seriously is also immature..

me: ..lets not go there..its christmas.

that made me feel like wanting to die..its as if..in his eyes..i havent changed a bit..when i know that ive changed alot since we parted ways..i dont get agnry anymore..(well, not that easily anymore..)  i still have a sense of humor..but ive learned how to limit myself now..

and ive learned to accept my shortcomings..

but there's more to me than that...there's more to me than my immaturity and naiveness....

why couldnt he look at that instead?..